I told you I needed more Mel so, as promised, Chris delivers….

THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE DRAFT KNOW-IT-ALL

All of the things I hate about Mel Kiper, Jr.

1) For every 10 seconds Mel Kiper’s mouth is open, a child in Africa gets malaria. It’s a shame his mouth is never shut.

2) He voted for George W. Bush…twice.

3) He supplied Barry Bonds with steroids.

4) He said that Sandlot was a terrible movie, and thought Bewitched was funny.

5) He went green for Earth week, even though the amount of hairspray he uses to keep his hair down is one of the major contributors of pollution in the US.

6) He was blowing out birthday candles just as Scott Norwood went to kick in SB XXV . Since so much air was released from his head, a strong gust caused the kick to go wide right. Even worse, it wasn’t his birthday.

7) He is a Clippers fan

He picked North Carolina to win the NCAA Basketball Championship

9) He has a poodle with pink bows in its hair

10) MTV’s The Hills was Kiper’s idea

11) He introduced Roger Clemens to Mindy McCready

12) He challenged Chuck Norris to a fight

13) He pronounced Houshmanzadeh wrong at his fantasy football draft

14) Kiper attends private services with Barack’s pastor

15) He took the racy pics of Miley Cyrus

16) He voted for Sanjaya, multiple times a night

As you can see, there are so many things to hate about Mel Kiper, Jr.  For lack of a better term, he is a D- BAG!!! I can’t wait until Todd McShay takes his job over. 

***special author’s note: none of these are factually true, but Mel Kiper is such a piece of crap I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

Blogmasters Note: Thanks Chris, next time don’t hold back. I’d like to encourage the other bloggers to post some fond Mel thoughts as well…

Kiper/McShay Trade:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmN2ygYC-2o

I watched a lot of NFL draft coverage this weekend, especially on Saturday.  As a person who knows very little about college football, I admit to relying heavily on the ESPN team for my information.  I thought the Saturday group had a weak outing; Berman and Mortenson weren’t their usual good selves, Young wouldn’t shut up and I stopped listening to Keyshawn when he suggested that Chad Johnson wasn’t making enough money.  Who’s that leave?, the self-proclaimed guru of the NFL Draft, Mel Kiper, Jr.   So it got me to thinking, “Who the hell is Mel anyways?”.

Kiper is president of Draft Publications Inc., which he founded in 1981 while in Essex Community College. It is responsible for all aspects of two annual publications: NFL Draft Report and Draft Preview. ESPN Media Zone indicates that “his continuous, year-long research is aided by an office equipped with satellite dishes allowing him to pick up 20 to 25 college games each week”.

Still don’t have an answer to, “Who the hell is Mel anyways?”.  To his credit, its sounds to me that he is not only “self-proclaimed” but “self-invented”, as well.  The community college sports geek with no football playing, coaching or administrative experience, at any level, has parlayed his obsession into a thriving business and, even with a face (and hairdo) for radio, a national television contract.  He has had his run-ins with NFL GMs, coaches and administrators, and his track record is certainly not perfect, as his Wikipedia entry clearly details http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mel_Kiper.  Love him or hate him, however, he saw an untapped business opportunity and ran with it like a 4.27 second 40 yard dash.   Anybody who can get rich by watching 20-25 football games a week, has done something right in my book.

I’ll admit that once the Bills picks were announced, I needed to know right away, what did the community college dropout with no football experience think?  What was Mel’s grade?  Why did they take the cornerback McKelvin, when Mel had someone listed ahead of him at the position?  

I am sorry that I wasted your time, because I don’t think I was able to answer that age old question, “Who the hell is Mel anyways?” but I do know after watching the other analysts on ESPN that day, I came away thinking, ”I’ve got football fever and the only prescription is more Mel”.  Sad to say, but I needed more Mel than ESPN was willing to give me on Saturday.

To be washed down with a SPAM martini

And then a rich dessert…

I am as much of a ‘tree hugger” as the next guy but I get a little sick of big corporations touting their “green” efforts. 

Frito-Lay recently publicized their re-use of cardboard cartons for delivery five times, saving 5 million trees and 56 million pounds of garbage but they don’t quote how much money this also saves them.  They also brag about recycling close to 20 million pounds of potato and corn solids, such as potato peelings and cracked corn, to America’s livestock and dairy farms. My guess is that they are not giving it away for free and some of their “green” spin is just as much about profits and selling as much of their garbage as they can, as it is about conservation. I’m not being critical of this practice, as it’s just good business, but let’s just say it’s about the ultimate kind of “green” ($$$$) just as much as it is about the other “green”.   If I’m not mistaken, their parent company, Pepsi, has 41 beverage categories, each with multiple flavors, and very few (if any) re-fillable bottles. ¹

The company that comes out and says, “we are going green even though it will hurt our bottom line, but we will not pass this cost on to our consumers” is the company that I’ll applaud.   

The Sabres are even “green” now. Call me cynical, but what does that even mean?   An excuse to sell more merchandise with the green logo, or the color of Lindy Ruff’s face when they lose another captain?   

A few thoughts on Pope Benedict XVI’s recent trip to the US other than:

1. Did they sell beer at the concession stands at Yankee Stadium during Mass?
2. The First Commandment forbids the worship of idols, before the Lord.  If that’s the case why did Kelly Clarkson appear before the Pope’s address in Yonkers?

Those are my only attempts at humor in this blog, so if you’re looking for something funny to read, STOP, although I was going to say something about the Pope’s inspiring interactions with the handicapped (both the children and the President) but I will not include that.  (Oops, I just did)

The Pope certainly touched a lot of young and old Catholics and non-Catholics alike during his extraordinary visit.  He seems like a courageous, dedicated, intelligent and peaceful leader.  His efforts to address the most serious of issues, the abuse scandal, and to reach out directly to the abuse victims and his interaction with the handicapped children were the most memorable for me.  Also, his trips to Ground Zero and the White House symbolizes how strong his efforts are in achieving Peace in the world.   

My only beef is, why are US papal visits so infrequent?  This is only the third pope to visit the US.  My research indicates that John Paul II was last here in 1999 (30 hours in St. Louis), he made other quick stops (layovers in Alaska in 1981 and 1984, UN address in 1995, quick meetings in 1979 and 1987).  It appears his only extended visit was 1993’s appearance at World Youth Day in Denver.  Previous to John Paul II, Paul VI visited only once in 1965 (UN address).

I don’t think we deserve special treatment, but in a world in which the US has such a huge influence, in a time when US vocations are at an all-time low, and in a time when scandal was rampant in the US church, I believe that a more frequent visible presence with the type of interaction he had with the faithful, will go a long, long way.   In a society where religion is sometimes put on the back burner, it was great to see it spotlighted.   The US does in fact have the third largest Catholic population and based upon the numbers below, it is striking that a Pope from North or South America has never been chosen.  Thank you Pope Benedict for your inspirational visit and “y’all come back now, ya hear”.

Top 10 Nations with Most Catholics

After talking to Rockbill regarding some comments that he made to the blog that were never posted I found out that they had been automatically “quarantined” in a blog SPAM file.  My apologies, Rockbill.  Even though you think it’s OK to boo the President at a baseball game, I still never intended that your comments be spammed out.   Lucky for everyone though that it got me to thinking about the word “SPAM”.

In culinary terms, SPAM is a delicacy manufactured by Hormel Foods containing ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, a little potato starch, and a mere hint of sodium nitrite in a vacuum packed can that does not require refrigeration and will basically last forever.  Originally called Hormel Spiced Ham, the product manufactured since 1926, had a name change in 1937 after a friend of the Hormel family came up with SPAM at a New Year’s Eve party.  There was no alcohol involved there, huh?  During World War II, sales boomed as not only was SPAM great for the military, as it required no refrigeration, it wasn’t rationed as beef was, so it became a prime staple in American meals. Nikita Kruschev credits SPAM with the survival of the Russian Army during WWII (there’s an inside Bizzle Bros. joke with Nagafooki, regarding Russian vomit, but I will not dwell on that here.)

So why is such a high-quality, salty ham and pork product (ham is pork, isn’t it?) with a prestigious name like SPAM with such a storied history (6 billion cans sold) associated with such a negative activity on the internet? We all know that SPAM means unwanted, un-solicited e-mail, blog comments, etc.  

 I may be the last person in the world to know this but the use of the term ‘SPAM’ was adopted as a result of the Monty Python skit where a  restaurant serves all its food with lots of SPAM, and the waitress repeats the word several times in describing how much SPAM is in the items. When she does this, a group of Vikings in the corner start a song: “Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam! Wonderful spam!” in an increasing crescendo, drowning out other conversation. Hence, the analogy that unsolicited email was drowning out normal business on the Internet.

Pierre Jean “Buster” Martin completed the London Marathon this week in ten hours. Buster claims he is 101 years old, which would make him the oldest runner to complete a marathon, however, the Guinness World Record people will not acknowledge it, since they have not been able to verify his age. 

The centenarian, who decided to take on the 26.2 mile challenge to raise money for his favorite children’s charity, said afterwards that he would have completed the course much quicker but for his regular beer and cigarette breaks.  Upon finishing his 10 hour charity run, the first thing Buster said was ‘where’s my beer?’ When told of Guinness’ decision, Buster commented, ”I don’t care about any Guinness world record, the only Guinness I’m interested in is one I can drink.”

Buster, who is still employed by Pimlico Plumbing, showed up to work the next day at 7:30 am, while his 31 year old trainer,  needed two days off to recuperate.  Buster has a child that is 87, Roberto, just 14 years his junior. 

Record or not, Buster is truly a “man’s man”, and for that, I recognize him with a Barry On Buffalo Blogmaster Award, or “Bloggy”, joining the blog’s only other honoree, Jack LaLanne, the 94 year old fitness guru, who I thought was dead.  Buster, I salute you, and if Jack starts smokin’ and drinkin’, he too may live long enough to match your great accomplishment.  God speed, Jack and Buster.

Seeing previews for the new movie, “Baby Mama”, starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, brought back fond memories, for me, of ex- Bills running back, Willis McGahee. 

During an interview with the Orlando Sentinel in 2006, he was asked what was more troublesome, an ex-wife or a “baby momma” (an urban slang).

McGahee, who was not married, said a baby momma, “Because they feel like they should be a part of your life for 18 years. An ex-wife, you can get away from her. A baby momma, you can’t get away from her until the child is 18 or older. They’re going to constantly ask you for money. They just want to nag you for no reason, just because they can.”

McGahee attempted to clarify those statements:

“I was saying baby mommas in general,” he said. “I wasn’t talking about my baby’s momma because we are cool. We have a good relationship. It’s not about money. I take care of my kids. I hear other people talk about their baby’s mommas doing this and doing that, so that’s why I said baby mommas are worse.”

Blogmaster’s Note: what I find to be a lot of fun is to actual read this blog aloud, slowly and clearly, to other people in the room.  Try it, you’ll find that the results are fascinating.

The young people won’t get this blog but have you ever seen a name or a story where you come to the conclusion, “Wow I didn’t know he/she was still alive!”. I thought it important to point out some names of people that I thought were dead but to later find out, surprisingly, that they are still alive:

1. Jack LaLanne (Fitness Guru) – 94 years young – That makes sense I guess.
2. Ernest Borgnine (Actor) McHale’s Navy, Poseidon Adventure; must be that fresh sea air.
3. Corey Feldman (Child Actor) Gremlins, Goonies, Stand By Me – for some reason I thought his bad boy “coked out” ways caught up with him.  I stand corrected.  Just found out he has an A&E TV show  that “looks at the lives of former child stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim living together as adults”.
4. Corey Haim (Child Actor) – see above.
5. Mickey Rooney (Child and Adult Actor) – Wow, per Wikipedia, Rooney will enter the Guinness Book of Records as the actor with longest career on both stage and screen. Moving in next week with the Coreys.
6. Larry King (CNN Talk Host) – I know he’s still on TV nightly, but I still think he’s dead.
7. Walter Cronkite (former CBS News Anchor) – collecting pension for more years than he actually worked?
8. Doris Day (Actress) – Who knew? “Que Sera, Sera”
9. Zsa Zsa Gabor (Actress) – had relations with Jack LaLanne, Ernie Borgnine, Mickey Rooney, Larry King, Walter Cronkite and Corey Feldman.  

 Who’d I miss?  Also will take listings for: “Dead People Who I Thought Were Alive”

DGoodz Top 5 Most Awkward Moments:
Well, as these last couple of weeks have gone by, I realized that life is full of awkward moments. So it inspired me to write a blog and here are some personal awkward moments and general awkward moments that I have experienced.

5. The Awkward Instant Message/Text: This is sometimes how a instant message will go.
Nagafooki96XO: hey
DGoodz2993:  hey

3. “Well that’s awkward!”: Once in awhile when its silent, someone will just blurt out, “Well this is awkward!!!” No it’s not awkward, but you just made it awkward by saying that. Then, occasionally someone will say after “DId you know everytime there’s an wakward moment a gay child has been born?” How do you respond to that? So thanks a lot for making another situation uncomfortable!

1. The King of all Awkwardness: I find one of the most awkward places to be on the elevator. Let’s face it, you’re cramped in a small cubicle with about 50 other people. Sometimes you start cracking up for no reason and everyone looks at you funny, so you face the wall. And then you have to deny the handicapped into the elevator because “there’s not enough room”. I suggest the next time that you are on an elevator, you introduce yourself to everyone and break the extreme barrier of awkwardness.

Honorable Mentions: You see someone waving and you are not sure if they are waving at you but you wave back anways, someone comes up and talks to you but you have no idea who they are, you keep laughing at something that you’re thinking about and when you try to explain it to someone else they say “That’s not funny”

Blogmaster’s Note:  This is precious, Dgoodz… Opens up a world of awkwardness, can not wait to view others’ awkward moments, as I once road an elevator with Clip Smith (old TV news personality)…